Here’s your horoscopes!

Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Your ability to do cartwheels in cramped office spaces is trumped only by your ability to violently smash into things. Unfortunately, your demonstration of both these “skills” during an interview last week might have cost you your dream job.

Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 2 If you find yourself humiliated by the loose lips of a close friend this week, do not despair. Instead, dump a generous helping of fresh spaghetti on your head, jam a cucumber in your eye, and run backwards while flailing your arms and shouting, “Hamburger nuggets made me do it!” Only then will you be able to shake the betrayal of your friend.

Aries: March 21 – April 19
After explaining your long-hidden superhero powers to your significant other this week, you’ll be cursed at, beaten, and doused in hot oil. While lying immobile in a full body cast, you’ll come to a very harrowing realization: some people do not consider your ability to imitate Roseanne a “superpower.”

Taurus: April 20 – May 20
When a co-worker called you a “washed-up loser with a very asymmetrical face” you thought it wise to report this incident to your boss. Unfortunately you “work” on the street, pilfering various items and food from people’s garbage cans and therefore have no boss. Also, the person that verbally assaulted you was simply a homeowner from which you snatched a bag of trash they were carrying to their dumpster and thus, was not a co-worker.

Gemini: May 21 – June 20 Your recently rejected application to appear on Dancing with the Stars proves three things. 1) You aren’t a star and are hardly even recognizable beyond being known as the nose-picker in class, 2) you can’t currently and never in the future will be able to dance, and 3) you look an awful lot like Buzz from Home Alone.

Cancer: June 21 – July 22
This will be the week you shed the harsh label of being lazy and instead really prove your self to the world. That’s right friend, you will be crowned the new world record holder of consecutive self-given swirlies using a public toilet. Congrats TwirlHair McFlushington.

Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22
Shortly after learning that your grandma is an undercover professional wrestler named “The Incredible Biceps,” you’ll ask her for an apprenticeship. In response she’ll subdue you in a triple nelson, pour lemon juice in your eyes, and karate chop your Adam’s Apple. After being finished off with a rapid-fire Mongolian Hand Jab, you’ll withdraw your request for her tutelage. Good news is in store, however, as in a karmic twist, you’ll learn that The Incredible Biceps has burned her tongue while enjoying a “victory” Cup-O-Soup.

Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
After being caught gnawing on your neighbor’s daisies for the 334th time this week, you’ll concoct a foolproof idea to enjoy the perennial delicacies of his flowerbed at your leisure. Sadly, you’ll have to wait 30 years to enact this rouge plan, as you’ve been imprisoned. Also, your plan to “replace” his eaten daisies with chewing gum adorned twigs isn’t really that great of an idea. Also, they weren’t really daisies in a flowerbed but rotten tomatoes from his compost pile.

Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
After slapping your grandmother in the back of the head as a “joke” you will be on the receiving end of her 82-pound purse. The force of the object crushing your insides will cause immediate ejection of your eyeballs from their sockets so far that you will become the world record holder in eyeball protrusion. Boo-yah-yah-yah-yah-yah-yah-yah-yah-yah-yah-yah.

Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Being named the “Best Dresser on Campus” last week hasn’t affected your humble, nice-guy demeanor. For that, you are a true class act. Unfortunately, this week, you will be stripped of your title when it’s revealed that you donned a fake toupee and a stolen nun’s habit during the competition. For that, you are an insidious low-life.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21 For weeks you have tried to showcase your “intelligence” by spouting off nonsense sentences sprinkled with intellectual sounding buzzwords. It hasn’t been uncommon to hear you refer to quantum vectors, the Higgs boson, or various activities occurring within a vacuum. Ironically, this behavior has had a truly scientific impact on your popularity as it thrust it at light-speed to absolute zero.

Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19 Don’t lose hope, friend. This is the week your proposal to feature the energy drink “HyperGuzzle McDoctor Wake-Wake BrrrZING” in vending machines across campus will finally be approved. This will also be the week that will see mass hysteria ensue after many students and faculty members consume the beverage without reading the attached surgeon general’s warning: “May cause nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, eyeball protrusion, hair loss, foaming of the mouth, random swearing, excessive blinking, barking, spleen ejection, nostril flaring, pancreas explosion, and toenail fungus.”

By 15th Street News Posted in Horoscopes Tagged funny, horoscope

That’s Your Horoscope for this week, February 2012

By: Joshua Jordon, Dan Cunning 

Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Once again this week the campus bully, aptly named “ham-fists”, will greet you with a meaty punch to the torso followed by an atomic wedgie. The good news, relatively speaking, is that while you are writhing in agony, “ham-fists” will admit that, out of all her students, you are the most fun to punch in the gut. Score!

Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20
This week, you should brew a “magic” potion to boost your clairvoyance. Mix one locket of Bob Saget’s chest hair in a cup of Sunny D and sip leisurely while enjoying the latest smooth jazz collaboration between Tupac Shakur and Angela Lansbury. Then write your own horoscope.

Aries: March 21 – April 19
This week, instead of trying to be “that dude in class with the awesome beard,” perhaps you should set your sights on the more realistic goal of being “that dude in class that finally washed his hair.” That’s right Helmet-Hair McLacksInHygiene … you stink and everyone around you ‘nose’ it.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20
This week you will be struck by a nugget of wisdom that will leave you enlightened, joyous, and renewed. You will also be struck by a handbag-wielding grandmother. Shortly thereafter you will be struck by lightning. Then you will be struck by a pumpkin (thrown by an ape). This may seem like bad news, but you’ll be singing a different tune once you discover a pumpkin seed that slightly resembles Mick Jagger.

Gemini: May 21 – June 20
Your romance has fallen on rocky times. Don’t give up, friend. Focus on what you love about your most important relationship, and before you know it you will have made amends and you can continue your lives in utmost harmony. Besides maintaining your happiness, you’ll remain the coolest student on campus by repairing your bond with your life-size David Hasselhoff baseball card.

Cancer: June 21 – July 22
Your ill-advised plan to tattoo the full contents of the dollar menu on your back will turn out shockingly well this week. And by well I mean horribly. And by this week I mean forever.

Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22
Having that semi-formed 6th toe on your left foot will be the factor that changes this week from mediocre to splendid. This drastic change in fortune will occur when, while chewing on what appears to be a toe-nail spouting from that toe, you dislodge a popcorn kernel that has been stuck in your teeth for 3 years.

Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
Your severe case of “French-sized cranial-magnus” gives you two legitimate shots at making it in this world. Either open up a big-and-tall hat store, or pioneer the almost certain next big thing: fake toupees.

Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
After years of agonizing, you will finally garner the courage to push the “Tweet” button this week. Baring your deepest desires, you will unveil your lifelong secret for your friends, family, and the entire world to scrutinize: “Michael Bolton, I kno U dont know me. But i luv you and ur funky trumpet solos. Marry me, plz. I’ll brade ur pony tail.” The bad news: MB will turn you down. You’ll face the gaping wounds of humiliation, criticism, shock. The good news: you didn’t have any followers anyway.

Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
This week while mining for golden nuggets in your left nostril, you’ll discover your long lost Barbie Doll. At the reunion party, Barbie will reveal a shocking secret: she’s not a real Barbie, but a cheap Chinese knock-off named Berbie! After the guests leave the party in disgust, sell her to some unsuspecting sap on eBay for $1,000 and purchase some glue-on dreadlocks for your cat. Cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-ching!

Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
If luck were measured by the size of your foot, you would likely hit the lottery this week. Sadly, it isn’t. You are just another schmoe… only with awkwardly large clown feet.

Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
Your best friend, Stan-the-Ape, will reveal to you this week that he is in fact an 800 pound gorilla. He will choose to reveal this secret to you while jamming a banana into your right ear. Also, he will give you the most severe wedgie ever recorded. Also, he isn’t really your best friend.