Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Your ability to do cartwheels in cramped office spaces is trumped only by your ability to violently smash into things. Unfortunately, your demonstration of both these “skills” during an interview last week might have cost you your dream job.
Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 2 If you find yourself humiliated by the loose lips of a close friend this week, do not despair. Instead, dump a generous helping of fresh spaghetti on your head, jam a cucumber in your eye, and run backwards while flailing your arms and shouting, “Hamburger nuggets made me do it!” Only then will you be able to shake the betrayal of your friend.
Aries: March 21 – April 19
After explaining your long-hidden superhero powers to your significant other this week, you’ll be cursed at, beaten, and doused in hot oil. While lying immobile in a full body cast, you’ll come to a very harrowing realization: some people do not consider your ability to imitate Roseanne a “superpower.”
Taurus: April 20 – May 20
When a co-worker called you a “washed-up loser with a very asymmetrical face” you thought it wise to report this incident to your boss. Unfortunately you “work” on the street, pilfering various items and food from people’s garbage cans and therefore have no boss. Also, the person that verbally assaulted you was simply a homeowner from which you snatched a bag of trash they were carrying to their dumpster and thus, was not a co-worker.
Gemini: May 21 – June 20 Your recently rejected application to appear on Dancing with the Stars proves three things. 1) You aren’t a star and are hardly even recognizable beyond being known as the nose-picker in class, 2) you can’t currently and never in the future will be able to dance, and 3) you look an awful lot like Buzz from Home Alone.
Cancer: June 21 – July 22
This will be the week you shed the harsh label of being lazy and instead really prove your self to the world. That’s right friend, you will be crowned the new world record holder of consecutive self-given swirlies using a public toilet. Congrats TwirlHair McFlushington.
Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22
Shortly after learning that your grandma is an undercover professional wrestler named “The Incredible Biceps,” you’ll ask her for an apprenticeship. In response she’ll subdue you in a triple nelson, pour lemon juice in your eyes, and karate chop your Adam’s Apple. After being finished off with a rapid-fire Mongolian Hand Jab, you’ll withdraw your request for her tutelage. Good news is in store, however, as in a karmic twist, you’ll learn that The Incredible Biceps has burned her tongue while enjoying a “victory” Cup-O-Soup.
Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
After being caught gnawing on your neighbor’s daisies for the 334th time this week, you’ll concoct a foolproof idea to enjoy the perennial delicacies of his flowerbed at your leisure. Sadly, you’ll have to wait 30 years to enact this rouge plan, as you’ve been imprisoned. Also, your plan to “replace” his eaten daisies with chewing gum adorned twigs isn’t really that great of an idea. Also, they weren’t really daisies in a flowerbed but rotten tomatoes from his compost pile.
Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
After slapping your grandmother in the back of the head as a “joke” you will be on the receiving end of her 82-pound purse. The force of the object crushing your insides will cause immediate ejection of your eyeballs from their sockets so far that you will become the world record holder in eyeball protrusion. Boo-yah-yah-yah-yah-yah-yah-yah-yah-yah-yah-yah.
Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Being named the “Best Dresser on Campus” last week hasn’t affected your humble, nice-guy demeanor. For that, you are a true class act. Unfortunately, this week, you will be stripped of your title when it’s revealed that you donned a fake toupee and a stolen nun’s habit during the competition. For that, you are an insidious low-life.
Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21 For weeks you have tried to showcase your “intelligence” by spouting off nonsense sentences sprinkled with intellectual sounding buzzwords. It hasn’t been uncommon to hear you refer to quantum vectors, the Higgs boson, or various activities occurring within a vacuum. Ironically, this behavior has had a truly scientific impact on your popularity as it thrust it at light-speed to absolute zero.
Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19 Don’t lose hope, friend. This is the week your proposal to feature the energy drink “HyperGuzzle McDoctor Wake-Wake BrrrZING” in vending machines across campus will finally be approved. This will also be the week that will see mass hysteria ensue after many students and faculty members consume the beverage without reading the attached surgeon general’s warning: “May cause nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, eyeball protrusion, hair loss, foaming of the mouth, random swearing, excessive blinking, barking, spleen ejection, nostril flaring, pancreas explosion, and toenail fungus.”